


Sack of Potatoes

by Gang_Aft_Agley



Series: It Takes a Village [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: 2018 Winter Olympics, And in this world the NHL isn't being a dick, Crossover, Everyone is an Olympic Athlete, Figure Skater Bitty, Figure Skater Natasha, M/M, Massive Crossover AU, Mila and Natasha Redheaded Figure Skating Ninjas, Multi, No Hockey Bags Were Harmed in this Fic, Olympic Village Shenanigans, Social Media Fuckery, Tater Hugs are Magical, What Happens in the Olympic Village STAYS in the Olympic Village, With Phichit Chulanont, and Kent Parson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-09
Updated: 2017-04-09
Packaged: 2018-10-16 14:59:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10573674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gang_Aft_Agley/pseuds/Gang_Aft_Agley
Summary: There's a lot of tension floating around right before the 2018 Winter Olympics, and Yuri Plisetsky is definitely feeling the pressure.His so-called "friends" are literally no help.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I have a lot of headcanons for this weird crossover AU my brain cooked up. Sorry?
> 
> Also, blame/thank [silentawe](http://archiveofourown.org/users/silentawe) for this nonsense, because she keeps cheering me on, even though she doesn't go here (yet).

The picture was taken with Yuri Plisetsky's phone, and posted from his Instagram account with the caption _Team Russia Cuddle Pile!!!!_

However, _he_ was in no way responsible for either taking it or posting it.

"Give it BACK, Mila!"  Yuri lunged for his phone as it sailed through the air from stupid Katsudon (photographer and poster, if not instigator) to his _former_ best friend (co-instigator, along with the soon-to-be deceased Victor).  Needless to say, he was forcibly prevented from retrieving his property.

"Nope," she grinned, catching the phone deftly and zipping it away in her jacket pocket.  "No phone until you calm down."

The only answer she got was a wordless snarl as Yuri strained forward, arms flailing madly.

Alexei Mashkov clucked his tongue reprovingly and tightened his grip.

"Settle down, Yurochka, that's a good little kitten."  Of course, that only caused Yuri to squirm more, in a vain attempt to get free.

"I'm not a kitten, I'm the Ice Tiger of Russia!"

"Right now, you're just a pain in the ass," Natasha drawled, kicking him lightly in the hip.

"At least he's feeling better," Yuuri stage-whispered to Victor from the armchair they were sharing.  Victor nodded, lips quirked in the tiniest of smiles.

"I heard that, piggy," Yuri snapped, crossing his arms and slumping back against Alexei's chest to sulk, since his obviously evil teammates weren't letting him go any time soon.  "Bah.  Stupid turbulence."

"You weren't the only one sick," Mila pointed out.  "I'm pretty sure that at least half the hockey team lost their lunches on the plane, too."

"Shut _up_ , hag."  She laughed and ruffled his hair; he swatted her hand away halfheartedly, already succumbing to the soporific effect of Tater Hugs (patent pending).  They were never dignified, but _damn_ , were they effective.  Hockey players and figure skaters alike swore by them: somehow, it was impossible to stay angry, upset, or sad when wrapped up tight in his arms.

 _"_ Chris wants to know why he wasn't invited to the cuddle," Victor murmured, looking up from his phone.  "Emil, too."

"They’re not Russian, it totally doesn't count," Yuuri replied with a mock-pout.  "I didn't get invited either."  Victor laughed and kissed his hair.

"Someone had to take the picture!  Besides, they're so easygoing, they don't need snuggle time with Lyosha."

"I didn't _need_ it," Yuri muttered.  Natasha patted his cheek.

"No, that must have been someone _else_ having a meltdown on the ice earlier."

"Ok, fine, maybe I was a _little_ overwrought, but you didn't have to toss me over your shoulder and carry me out to the bus like a fucking caveman."

"No, I carry Kenny around like a caveman.  You ... were more like a sack of potatoes.  Next time Yakov calls, I'll just stick you in a hockey bag, carry you out that way.  Much easier."  Natasha leaned over and flicked Tater on the ear as he ducked away, grinning.

"TMI, dude.Nobody wants to know what you and Parson get up to in your free time."

"Besides, I wouldn't fit in a fucking hockey bag."  Yuri tried to jab an elbow back into Tater's ribs, but he couldn't get enough leverage for more than a token effort.  Tater grunted anyway, clearly humoring him.

"Eh, you're not much taller than Itty Bitty, even after that growth spurt last year, and I know for a fact that he fits in one.  Zimmboni and I have tested it thoroughly."

Yuri opened his mouth to argue, but thankfully Tater's phone started blaring Katy Perry's _Waking Up in Vegas_.  Mila and Natasha both grabbed for it; Natasha won by a hair, and answered it on speaker.

" _MASHKOV YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"_   Tater just sighed dreamily; this kind of greeting was par for the course with Kent Parson.

"Hi, Kenny.  Good practice?"

"You said you were doing _important team stuff_ when I wanted to grab dinner earlier.  Using Plisetsky as a fucking teddy bear isn't _important team stuff_."

"Hey, asshole, I'm right here," Yuri growled as Tater slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Sorry, Kenny!"  Because Yuri was still mentally five, he licked Tater's palm and Tater let go with a yelp, which probably did not improve Parson's view of the situation.

"The _fuck_ , man?"

"You're on speaker, Parson.  Your Lyosha's a little bit preoccupied at the moment," Natasha added.  "Since Altin's flight was delayed, someone had to keep our little feral kitten from self-destructing, and no one else was strong enough to wrestle him off of the ice."

"Besides, you get _romantic_ hugs, Kenny.  My cuddles with Yurochka are purely platonic and patriotic - all for Mother Russia!"

Natasha made a face halfway between amusement and disgust while Mila, Yuuri and Victor tried to stifle giggles.

"Please, for the love of God, do _not_ put your romantic cuddles on Instagram, Parse."

"Aw, you know you love me, Romanova."  She sniffed.

"No, I am reasonably fond of Barnes, and he thinks you're ... sort of okay, so I tolerate you for his sake."

"You keep saying that, but all I hear is love."  She raised one eyebrow.

"Can you hear the sound of me flipping you off?"  Kent Parson just laughed.

"Whatever, man.  I'll let you get back to your _important team stuff."_

 _"_ Night, Kenny; we can do breakfast tomorrow.  Want you to be well rested when I kick your ass."

"Night, Lyosha.  Don't fucking count on it."  Tater sighed again as Parson hung up and Natasha handed him back his phone.

Yuri thumped the back of his head against Tater's shoulder a couple of times.

"Ugh, I think you two are even more disgusting than Victor and the piggy."

Mila leaned back against the arm of the sofa and propped her feet up on Yuri's thigh.

"I dunno, Bittle and Zimmerman give them a good run for their money."

"Hmph."

About twenty minutes later, Yuuri (still on his phone) choked and sprayed water halfway across the room.  Victor swatted him on the back before peering over his shoulder to see what had prompted such an extreme reaction.

"Well, that was quick."  Natasha looked up from her book.

"Hmm?"   
  
Victor plucked the phone from Yuuri's nerveless fingers and passed it to Natasha, who burst out laughing. 

"Wonder how he roped Chulanont in?" Yuuri rolled his eyes.

"Oh, please, Phichit is _always_ at the center of social media fuckery; it was probably his idea.

With one final giggle, Natasha passed the phone over Yuri and Tater's heads to Mila, whose lips parted into an "O" of surprise.

"Give it here, hag!"

Mila shook her head, clutching the phone to her chest away from Yuri's grabby hands.

"Nope, nope, nooooo, I don't think you're ready for this."

"Oh, just show it to him.  He'll see it eventually, and at least Tater can prevent a murder if you do it now," Victor said with a sardonic brow lift.  Mila sighed, and held out the phone with a pained wince.

Yuri looked at the picture, read the caption beneath it, and let out a piercing scream.

" _I'M GONNA KILL HIM!"_

It had probably started out as a simple selfie: Otabek Altin was in the middle flashing a V-for-victory sign (and looking pretty awkward about it), while the other two flanked him, each with an arm around the Hero of Kazakhstan's shoulders.   
  
 At the last possible second, however, both Kent _and_ Phichit had leaned in to press a kiss to Otabek's cheeks, and his eyes were wide with surprise and shock.  (Not shown was the immediate aftermath, when Otabek spun around to smack Parson on the back of the head because seriously?  Not cool, man. Phichit only escaped by ducking, and then running like hell.)

_#PAYBACK_

"I'll pay HIM back, that son of bitch!" Yuri shrieked.

With a resigned sigh, Tater surged to his feet and started down the hallway, carrying Yuri with him.

"That's it, into the hockey bag!"


End file.
